Let's Talk Trash About This Year's Goop Gift Guide

There are so many wonderful traditions this time of year, from gathering with family for the holidays to letters to Santa. But there's another kind of holiday tradition each year that the internet has a field day with: The goop gift guide. Just as goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow has been slammed over the years for her self-satisfying (and absurdly expensive) lifestyle commentary, goop itself has come to symbolize all that is excessive, impractical, out of touch, and just plain odd.

Continuing EDGE's own tradition of skewering some of the more ridiculous entries of goopy Paltrow's curated gift guides, we present to you some of the most asinine items from this year's hotly anticipated gift guide:

Hand-Painted Tulip Vase Pyramid, $16,752

Who wants to put flowers in a regular old vase when instead you can place each stem in an individual hole on a four-foot-tall sculpture? If you have an answer to that question, then – boy – does goop have the gift for you. Coming in at a cool $17K (really, you should buy at least two), this Dutch Golden Age-inspired earthenware vessel is as practical as it is affordable. It's also final sale, which is an absolute crime considering the price.

Leisure Chair, $253

It's not just a chair, it's a leisure chair. It's also made from some of the world's finest materials, such as aluminum and PVC, which more than justifies the steep price tag. If you've ever dreamed about a creamy-looking plastic chair that will sit your ass four inches off the ground, add this to your cart now.

Inez 24K Gold G-Spot Vibrator, $15,000

If you have that special someone on your shopping list that goes wild for 24K gold, forget jewelry and go right for this solid gold vibrator. For the price, it better morph into an actual man with an actual penis.

Tracy Anderson Mymode, $2,629

Forget a treadmill, rowing machine, Peloton, or gym membership... all you really need to get in shape is this $2,629 at-home gym crafted from the rarest of materials, natural wood. It even includes a plush pad for kneeling (huh?) and a pair of three-pound weights so mighty that you'll see absolutely no definition in no time. But wait, there's more! In order to understand how to use this bizarre gym set, you'll have to subscribe to Tracy Anderson's online workout studio, which costs between $90 and $130 each month.

Cölle All-Terrain Candle, $135

Anyone with a pulse has noticed that the candle market has been seriously lacking automobile-shaped candles. But goop has come to the rescue again with this unscented SUV-shaped candle that is the next best thing to simply lighting cash on fire.

Planar Studio Gong and Stand, $2,000

"When you hit it," reads goop's description, "it rings with a clear, deep tone like heavy thunder." If you've been on the hunt for an in-home gong that rings like heavy thunder, Gwyneth Paltrow has taken any guesswork out of the process. Everyone knows how oversaturated the gong market is; that's why we all rely on goop's wisdom to help out. It's also thick with a deep rim, so if you like your gongs like you like your tops, then this is the one for you.

Mauviel Copper Fondue Pot, $820

Most people are embarrassed to serve fondue to their guests because their fondue pot isn't made of semi-precious metal. If you're one of those people – or know someone who is – then it's high time this copper fondue pot found a place in your home.

Paradise Row Leather Tennis Ball Holder, $350

Sick and tired of looking poor on the tennis court? Ditch your clear plastic sleeve or tennis bag and instead invest in this $350 leather ball holder that holds a whopping four tennis balls. There's no issue goop can't find the solution to! Next stop, world hunger!

Business & Pleasure Co. Premium Beach Umbrella, $299

If you've felt that your beach days could use a little more Victorian glamor, look no further than this practical beach umbrella complete with darling little tassels. And being that it's white, it should absolutely never show any signs of wear and tear.