Marriage -- Just for Some?

The non-heterosexual community, all those identities and sexualities that fall outside of the traditional opposite-sexed heterosexual model, were, by their nature, historically forced to create their own relational-sexual norms and rituals. Although feeling marginalized and oppressed, this exclusion allowed for the LGBT community to operate from non-dominant norms.

The availability of marriage is now a mixed blessing for "gay" relationships. Those who want a heteronormative lifestyle (living in accordance with the heterosexual agenda and dream of a state codified two-person relationship with a child on the way), can now have that and all the federal and state perks that are carried along with a government sanctioned relationship.

"Marriage for all" is not actually true, and not what gay marriage affords and allows. It's marriage for those who follow the dictates of what the state allows for their relationship. Those in polyamorous, open or diverse/creative configurations, or those who do not identify within the male/female binary for gender, are still not allowed to marry.

Traditionally, marriage has a low success rate and similarly on the decline are marriage rates. Any other policy, institution or concept with such a high failure rate (studies show anywhere from 50 to 70 percent) would be seen as antiquated and have the potential to be abolished. The desire to enter into an institution with such a low rate of success, is not necessarily the best predictor for long-term relational success.

My clinical work tirelessly seeks to find alternative ways of relating, coupling and "marrying." Younger generations are seeing and learning from the misery and struggle of their parents and current research now shows that in terms of 20-year-olds, only about 52 percent will actually choose to marry. They have few successful role models to look to who can demonstrate the usefulness or success of this expensive costume party.

Having attended a few gay marriages, it was great to see the couple's love "recognized" and "legitimized." But, I was left acknowledging still, that it was also now controlled and still leaves many members of the community left out. As a couples and sex therapist, I see, sadly, that marriage does not imply or create love or commitment - it's the people in a relationship who do that - whether married or not. This is why I call everyone's partner their "partner" clinically, regardless of whether they are married, dating or cohabitating. I honor all forms of relationship as equally committed, legitimate and full of love. Marriage can carry with it severe restrictions and penalties, for those who later decide they want to leave or terminate the relationship. Traditional marriage means regulation of relationships; relation-
ships that once meant freedom for self-definition.

Taming and assimilation into preexisting structures almost always means loss of authenticity and diversity, and can also tend toward conformity. Sadly, there are so many relational configurations possible, perpetuating a dual-option-only, single or married, limits awareness and restricts support for various other relational styles and forms.

There is a beauty born of a subculture making their own relational-sexual norms, outside of the dominant models. The LGBT movement is about resistance and evolution and now with marriage, it's becoming part of a sterile and constricting regulated confinement. It is now "family values" based, although "family" in this day and age, means far more than mom and dad, or even dad and dad, which is where the problem exists. Families are built upon more than those within a marriage and only protecting the two that are "contracted" and legitimized under marriage laws, leaves out many other individuals (including elderly and children) needing those rights, protections and legal perks.

My clinical advice, to those who do want to marry, is to "revolutionize" the institution. Push the boundaries and work to form your own version of what marriage means. The institution needs some updating and reconfiguring. Most relationships operate from a western, white, "separate self" individualized model, and that is why many fail. The west is far too obsessed with "self " improvement, "self" empowerment and "self " esteem. The "self" obsession in all our cultural and psychological concepts drive partners further into an autonomous and individualized mindset, which is the antithesis of "relationship."

We have all been warned about "codependence"and "love addiction," but these can be the way relationships operate; with merger and fusion. In a true relationship, we are neurologically wired together, brain to brain via touch and eye contact, only separated by skin. This is why a breakup can feel like something has been torn out of your body.

Focus on "relational" esteem, "relational" improvement, and "relational" empowerment. Once in a relationship, there is a tendency towards loss of"self," both socially and psychologically. This is not always a bad thing. We only grow and "work" on ourselves when within a relationship. Being single is far easier than being in a relationship, which forces us to challenge ourselves and see who we really are.

Being single means nothing more than working on how to continue to live single and reinforce habits of selfhood. We don't learn how to be a good marital partners while spending nights and weekends alone on the couch or at the gym. Every song, movie and book are about relationship. It is the strongest human drive we have, along with sex. Relationship are how we truly encounter ourselves.

The availability of marriage for the gay community has the potential to create a more mature way of relating... if we consciously push against the marital boundaries, formerly set by the heterosexual world.

THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO BE MARRIED.

Dr. Christopher Donaghue's show, "Sex Box," can be seen on WEtv, premiering on Friday, February 27 at 10 p.m. Watch for his new book, "Sex Outside the Lines," available this coming July.
For moreinformation, go to chrisdonaghue.com.